Everything is not what it appears to be
“Depression is rage spread thin.” -George Santayana
Depression affects approximately 18.8 million Americans yearly but because it’s been stigmatized in the African American community along with other mental disorders, its not often talked about & more sadly so, frowned upon especially among African American males. This makes people that are battling it even more resistant to try to reach out to someone for help. I know because I am one of them.
I was motivated to write this entry because I was talking to my friend on the phone today & during the course of the conversation, she mention something about her younger sister that I recognized as a sign of depression that I displayed when I was a child… While I may be wrong, this is my way of showing her that she’s not alone without directly reaching out to her because I know if someone did that to me, I would have denied it & further retreated into myself which solves nothing.
This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write to date but I feel that it is necessary not only for myself but for others like me…It took me far too long to come to terms with myself & recognizing what was plaguing me. For those that may get concerned after reading this, yes I know that more than likely I will be ridiculed & everything else under the sun when I post this. However believe me when I say NO ONE is a harder critic of yourself than yourself & I have beaten myself up pretty good quite often. So let me be absolutely clear; this isn’t a ploy for sympathy, attention, or a pity party but part of a healing process that I owe to myself. For me at least, once you put something so private like this out there for others to view, it makes it real & brings a sense of closure so you can deal with it*shrugs*
To be quite frank, until you find yourself in a situation where you’re forced to face it, you truly don’t grasp how powerful of an emotion DENIAL is, especially when YOU’RE the problem…To be completely honest with yourself about yourself is something so foreign & frightful to people that most will go their entire lives avoiding that very thing…I, like them, created a shield that I conned myself into believing would push away the emotions I wanted to avoid feeling when in fact it only intensified them.
As most of you know I was born, raised, & still am Sunni Muslim. All of my life, my parents have instilled in me as well as my siblings a strong sense of family, pride & faith. Without getting too personal, being the oldest child living at home growing up, I felt that I had to really exhibit those traits outwardly at the very least no matter what. I was always the strong tough one & ironically the person everyone went to when they had problems. This lead me to develop some social behaviors that others may view as odd.
Because of my personality, talking to someone about how I felt was never an option…My younger siblings couldn’t understand the complexity of the feelings I had, I didn’t want to disappoint nor worry my parents, I didn’t grow up with any of my cousins so they were/are almost strangers to me & my childhood friends went through so much mess themselves that I felt ashamed for even thinking about wanting to voice my concerns to them… Unfortunately, this is a trait that I’ve carried with me well into adulthood & am still trying to shake off.
Being so, I channeled my frustration & rage at myself in other ways, some healthy such as becoming immersed into books (particularly epic fantasy), some not. One of those was self mutilation… Now I know upon hearing that, most immediately think of people cutting or burning themselves…One of my greatest fears was being found out as a ‘crazy person” so mine was much more subtle…
Whenever I lapsed into one of my “moods” I use to pick at my scalp with my nails until it bleed and I’m not talking about a tiny trickle…I would stop until a certain amount of skin & blood got under my nails…Somehow the feel of the rush of blood kind of eased the headache often accompanying those feelings…Thankfully I was blessed with thick hair plus I was wearing a kimar (scarf) so it pretty much went unnoticed until I started going to the salons. At that point, I came up with some pretty creative explanations to draw attention away from it…I still do this & as a result, I have some small bald spots…
As an adult, you know that there are things that you aren’t suppose to do & should know better.. However when certain events take place that may be minute to others but matter a great deal to you, all of that goes out of the window & your emotions take a hold for better or worse.
I must have hit my low last year because three months ago, I did something I never in a million years thought I’ld do… I was out of town & walking around the city like I normally do, enjoying the sights when my thoughts started to wander…I felt one of my moods coming on so I hopped on the train trying to make it back to my hotel room where I could pick my head, cry & take a nap in private. Halfway there while I’m trying my darndest to hold it in, a guy simply paid me a compliment & I broke down crying HARD in PUBLIC…anyone that’s been around me knows that is one of my absolute no nos. I know probably scared the wits out of that poor guy & that made me feel even worse.
It was at that point, I knew I had to find someone to talk to before I further embarrassed myself. The inability to confide & trust in other people has turned me into something like a recluse for periods of time & it was happening more frequently. Since then I’ve taken steps to try to correct this problem. I urge that if you’re reading this and you can relate in anyway or know of anyone that may be exhibiting these behaviors, to seek out help. Listed below is a link & number that can provide some assistance. There isn’t any shame in it & it’ll will enable you to live a happier, more productive life:)
National Hopeline Network 1-800-784-2433 http://www.hopeline.com/
Families for Depression Awareness http://www.familyaware.org/
